Monday, April 18, 2011

This Again

Oh nuts. I'm depressed. Why????!!!!!

I must be repressing something. That's usually where it comes from - some anger or sadness I'm too scared to feel, or some thought that has slipped in like a dart under the surface of my consciousness. So, what is it? Why is it so hard to know myself?

"I don't wanna." That's how I feel about life today, though, happily, not about my children. They have a way of keeping me moving and making me smile. Sitting with them while they have their goldfish and juice, getting in the pool - all the way in - those things are pleasant. They give me a lift. Jumping on the tramp - gets my wiggles out. The current favorite there is "Princess Dies." The available roles are: Evil witch, dying Princess, and saving Prince. We go round and round. Everyone gets a shot at killing, dying, and reviving. It seems we could go on for hours. But when we're sweaty enough, there's a hankering for the pool.

We get in. By the time I work all the way up to putting my head under, the princesses are ready to get out, and I hear Will making noises in his room. I swim under water all the way to the steps, the water cool, sliding over my skin. I shake off and towel dry. I'm refreshed in body, and a little bit in soul. Will is not himself today, though, either. He's teething or has a virus, or maybe thrush? He puts his head down on me as I carry him out. Maybe he's listless like me, on the inside, listless of heart.

It's not that I don't want to parent. It's not even that I don't want to do the dishes and the laundry. I mean, I'm not dying to. But I do them. I mean, I'll do them.

It's my live-er. It doesn't wanna. There's a weight on my chest.

I think my faith has been wavering. I was going so strong, completely confident that Jesus was at work in me and in others through me as I hung on him in dependence. I was praying into the areas I saw in my life and those around me where I longed for God to work and make his glory shine. And I knew he was accomplishing his purposes even as I was praying for them. I think some little arrow of doubt found its mark in me somewhere.

Take heart, my soul. Be strong. Wait for the Lord. Right in those places you most desire to see him - those are the places he is most at work. He gave you the desire, and he gives you the prayers, and those are the places where he is rushing in. He hastens to you, lowly heart.

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