A Special Dispensation

It was seven o'clock today when I realized I hadn't finished my morning coffee. I was thinking about putting it back in the microwave (again) but thought better of it: It was seven o'clock in the evening.

That's how fast the day slides by. All day I was chasing my morning coffee.

I meant to clean more, too. I kept meaning to, but first the kids needed breakfast. Well, first the kids and I needed to hop in the car to go look for coupons people were throwing out (it's recycling day - but not in my neighborhood. We went a few neighborhoods over. I was channeling my dad.) Then there was breakfast, a moment to read my Bible, putting John William down for his morning nap, taking the girls swimming, lunch, afternoon naps (during which I ran to the store to practice my new couponing obsession), dinner, and bedtime. I managed to motivate myself and the kids to pick up for five minutes after lunch while Daddy put his bathing suit on. And then I did clean the kitchen after the kids were down. I finished at 10pm.

At least I got myself some deodorant today. I finally couldn't scrape any more off the top of the old tube, even when I separated the product from the packaging. I thought for about a week that maybe I didn't need deodorant. But I found deodorant actually does do something for me.

The cashier at the drug store flirted with me a little. When I got home and glanced in the mirror, I thought he must not have seen the drops from someone's dinner spattered on the bottom edge of my shirt. He certainly didn't smell me.

Now here I am up at 12:15 in the morning because I hate going to bed. I love night. I love the stillness - those little limbs and mouths and brains usually in constant motion finally at rest, needing nothing (at least until someone has a nightmare or needs to go potty or wakes up sweaty or just wants to nurse.) Last night I stayed up til 1am organizing my coupons - which I never would have realized could be so engaging!

It's a constant tension between needing sleep and needing time to myself. I walk a thin wire, usually erring on the side of fatigue and berating myself for it. (Like today when I dropped the baby face first in the pool when Shep handed him off to me - I did catch him so he didn't hit his face on the step, though, thankfully. Five minutes later he got a fat lip from crawling over a pool noodle that rolled him into a face plant on the pool deck. I have to remind myself that's what kids do - get bumps and bruises - especially boys.)

This morning I started back at the beginning of Isaiah. I've been reading it for nine months. Now that BSF is over for the summer, I'm going to start at the beginning and answer the homework questions I didn't get to during the year. Isaiah 1 and 2. I closed my eyes to meditate on it and the world started to fade away so quick. I brought myself awake again. I was listening for how these verses touched on my life today, and falling asleep was what touched on my life. I have read that fatigue is one of the biggest obstacles in growing closer to Jesus these days, and it is wise to create margin in your life so you can be well-rested. You can only function as well spiritually as you can physically. 

But I felt God say to me - I've granted you a special dispensation for this season of your life when there isn't much margin to begin with, a special grace to know me even in your weariness, especially in your weariness - for my strength is made perfect in it.

(2011)